The dark side of “communities”

Yes, I am air quoting communities.

I think we have lost track of what a community really is. I miss the time where community meant sending your kid down the street to grab a cup of sugar for your baking needs. Where basic needs like love and sugar were the exchange and support, not some self proclaimed know it all, who wants you and others to pay 10K and forget about your values in exchange for their love and sugar. Or some narcassitic grandious guaranteed promise that they can make you the best, just like them, but 1st, you have to face ALL your wounds.

We have lost site of the simplicity of what community really is. And I can see why. Society has spent far to many years striving for more, more, more, do better, be better, have more, make more, be the best, climb the ladder, fix yourself, be at the top, look at me, be better than your neighbour……..

I was never willing to completely cross a line with my individuality and values to belong anywhere. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have been close. I have sat on the edge of the circle many times dipping my heart in and playing from my own wounds, in hopes that I finally felt like I fit somewhere, and grossly wishing someone would see me. And in those moments and times in my life, where I was about to jump into the belonging pool, I bent my values and blurred them and came close to accepting the group over accepting myself. Phew, is all I can say.

Communities are all the rage right now and as much as I get it, let’s face it, many are turning out to be controlling, coercive and some are even down right defamatory and abusive. Where do we go from here as a society? We need community, I agree, but not at a cost of selling our souls. Dramatic, I know, but it is happening far too often in my opinion and experience.

You do not have to give up everything about your life like; your morals, beliefs, friends, family, job, foods you eat, current support systems, ways you practice faith, life savings, or countless hours of your day. You don’t need to join an “us against the world/others club”. You do not need ONE CLUB to feel like you are a part of something. That is a gang. Do you want to be in a gang?

Look, I get it. All humans want to belong, to be seen, to be validated and to feel like they have a higher purpose. But why is it frowned upon if all you require and want is to just want to enjoy a kayak with friends and family. This is ENOUGH. A good old fashioned hang out in nature is THE best medicine for the soul.

It’s probably a million times better for you than what you are looking to get while you are falling deeper and deeper into the trap of some community or leader who promises you outrageous and generic things. They are lying.

Unfortunately, some use the tactic of acting like they care and saying they have an immense amount of concern for you. Check in and see if that could be the beginning of manipulation in disguise and on its way to the coercive control train. You know, the train where they convince you to stay on the track of us vs. them.

If you are pressured to continually stay and pay. RED FLAG

If you are told nothing else works, except what they are teaching or preaching. RED FLAG

If you have to change your beliefs to be accepted. RED FLAG

If you’re mean, manipulative or abusive to people outside of the community. RED FLAG

If you can’t question the leader without punishment. RED FLAG.

If you have NO support outside the community or group. RED FLAG.

If you have to check in with the teacher or leader about your decisions, big or small. RED FLAG.

If you are experiencing Isolation of any kind. RED FLAG.

If you hear “this was your choice” for everything going on in your life. RED FLAG.

Not fully fitting in has saved me countless times.

I used to see this as a curse or like there was something wrong with me, but now I see it as God’s Grace.

Before you decide to join a community and go all in, ask yourself the reason why. As yourself if you are coming from a hurt place and a desire to be seen and a part of something just so you can be validated for something you have longed to be validated for.

And if it feels like you are coming from that place, call up your bestie and go for a kayak instead.

Love,

Paula Haygarth

Ps…I DO NOT think all communities are this way.

But we seem to have a plethora of these kinds lately, rearing their ugly “Unconditional Love” in disguise BS. It is getting kinda loud out there in the world! Have you noticed?

Have an experience of your own and want to share it with me? I am all curious ears.